ROAD TO FREEDOM

 

My fellow Americans!

I am a simple man. I have simple values. First among these, I believe in this country! I strongly believe that the United States of America exists, and indeed, that it has fifty states.

We stand on the backs of citizens for generations on end; we hold every moment of our past as something to be proud of.

“A love of homegrown traditions never weakened us,” said Elena Lathrop, president of the Los Angeles Young Republicans club. “It gives us strength when we’re in trouble, something to rally behind.”

Beliefs such as these connect us. They unify us as a people and act as a shield against un-American interlopers. If the Founding Fathers wanted us to care so much about the rest of the world they certainly would not have declared independence from it.

The most recent election has indeed shown us what we may accomplish when we true Americans come together for the holy trinity of cynicism, indifference and hatred. Which is better, we may ask — to have one of the lowest voter turnouts of the world, or to have the population flock to the booths in droves so that the “other one” does not get in?

But when has being swept away by the will of the people ever done any good? It was but a few decades back we were being swept away by disco fever.

To those who were disgusted and bored and cynical of politics and did not bother to vote, we can say proudly: you were in effect voting for the entrenched Establishments of the two major parties, who (please rest assured) are not dumb, and who are keenly aware that it is in their interests to keep you disgusted and bored and cynical and to give you every possible reason to stay at home praying instead of at a ballot on primary day.

Robert Evans, popular author and journalist who followed the campaign of Donald Trump, had this to say to me on the candidate’s popularity.

“They [Trump supporters] aren’t all the same. But they are all the kinds of people who can’t stand letting anyone get away with bad behavior,” Evans said. “A crime deserves a punishment, and though they were all angry about different crimes, each of the men and women I met believed in the same punishment.”

Our brave candidates have, more than anything, managed to tap into that apex of public consciousness: fear. It is perhaps the oldest and strongest of emotions, and the oldest and strongest fear is fear of the unknown.

Shall we be afraid of attacks on the middle class, or on Muslims?

Is there a war on the rich, or a war on the poor?

Are Christians discriminated against, or shall we fear women?

I, of course, love women. I was raised by one, I will likely marry one, and I played an absolutely stunning one in my high school production of Robin Hood: Men in Tights. But surely there is plenty to fear from them!

The word is fear. The name of the game is fear. Will we fear godless socialism or a theocratic oligarchy?

Cathryn Carson, professor of history at the University of California, Berkeley, said, “There is a long tradition in campaigns of candidates who play to the fears of the electorate during times when great threats appear. Historically, when politicians use these ‘politics of fear,’ bad things happen.”

Actions taken by fear of the “other” all too often turn a blind eye to the results. I ask you, what difference does it make to the dead, the orphans and the homeless whether they suffer fear and destruction under the name of socialism or in the holy names of liberty and democracy? They are the brands we sell, bleeding red, white and blue.

The major problem — one of the major problems, for there are several — with governing people is that of who gets to do it. Rather, who gets people to let them do it to them.

To summarize: it is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it.

To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President of the United States should on no account be allowed to do the job. I may not prove it, but I can say it.

To summarize the summary of the summary: people are an awful problem.

Yet I will say something regardless. I say, “Vote.” I say, “Change things.”

Now, this may have become self-evident by previous behavior, such as sleeping on beds made of broken glass, meeting random connections on Craigslist, and voting every two years for whoever seems likely to accomplish something.

But it could, in fact, be argued that I am a masochist.

So go back to bed, America. The government knows how it all came to be. Go back to bed, America. The government is in control as it was. Here is your road to freedom, students. Here is some Facebook cause to be outraged about. Look at this, shut up. Get angry about gay marriage being legalized and dead lions and a hundred little nothings that dot your feed. Here is Netflix, here are all your favorite shows! Watch meatheads and models blend their bodies together under the lights and congratulate you on living in the land of the free! Here you go, America! We are the news, we are the ones with mouths.

You are free to do what we tell you.

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